Stick your tongue out

Rage

2012-03-01T19:02:00.000-08:00

I really just want to punch something. Or just some random person in the face. I rarely get this much rage inside me, but I just wanna do it.

And I wanna say FUCK really loud. There. I feel a little better!

Wishing I was in Portland. Minnesota is sucking the awesome out of me.............

I broke my butt....

2012-02-13T09:28:00.000-08:00

So I'm entering week 4 of training. I have lost 2 lbs and am super pumped. I don't see a huge difference in my body and don't feel like I'm toning up, but I wore two pairs of jeans this weekend, and both were falling down! So that's good.

On the downside, I fell down the stairs on Friday night. I was all clean after a shower, put on some fuzzy socks, and decided to do laundry while I anxiously await Jake's return (which was after midnight, so I needed to keep busy). As I carry the laundry basket down the stairs, my fuzzy socks failed me. I fell HARD. I mean, flopped down a few steps and then sat there holding the laundry basket. I didn't drop it that was good, but this is how I felt.
AHHHHHHHH

I'm not even kidding that my butt hurts today. I had a hard time walking all weekend. I can't even sit right. I have to lay on my side even to sit. I am going to Zumba tonight, but since I can barely move, we'll see how much it does. Even the most fun activity of all, sex, hurts like a son of a bitch.

So hopefully some good stretching will help and I'm not sidetracked too long. I did enjoy a few girl scout cookies and had pizza yesterday, but all in all, I'm doing real good on food. Take that!

Anyway, I am so uncomfortable sitting here. My butt is broken, and it's a damn shame. Let's work it!

Working It just got bitch slapped......by me!

2012-02-01T15:58:00.000-08:00

So, working out time has come yet again. We now own a treadmill, and the people I nanny for have a whole gym in their basement. So as of last Monday, I started my own extreme work out. I know in November of last year I started to work out, then got sick. Really sick. So now I'm back at it. I'm still coughing a little and having sinus problems, but I'm not letting that control me anymore.

So I printed out pictures of really hot girls with nice stomachs and some have might have a saying on them. I put them up all over the house. Pinterest is great motivation as well. I know Jake is loving all the hotness and girls in bikini's or underwear, but it's really helps. Although sometimes I'm like, "bitch yes I want that cookie," but I never give in when I stare at her tight hot stomach. I haven't had chocolate in over a week. I haven't had any fast food. Basically, I'm kicking that Elliptical's ass. I have to be in a bikini in April and I have never not had to "suck it in". I've also been a little self conscious my stomach area, so I'm challenging myself. I can't control my job situation, or where I live with no friends, so this is what I can control. I've been kicking so much ass, I can't believe I'm actually feeling good. Here's a little sneak peak at what I'll be doing.

I signed up for Zumba. All by myself. I figured if I didn't have friends to do it with, who cares, I'll do it anyway. So, I have Zumba one day a week, then I'll elliptical it up, then one day a week I'll do core/medicine ball workouts. Basically, I'm working out 4 days a week. And that's a lot coming from me. The quote that keeps getting stuck in my head is "It takes 4 weeks for you to notice a difference, 8 for those closest to you (Jake and family) and 12 weeks for everyone else" F ya, I'm almost done with week 2 bitches. What do you think about that?!

I am also taking whey protein to increase my game. I had it with water today and I thought I'd be totally disgusted, but it was ok. So, I've got that going on too. I'm drinking tons of water, eating right, eating more little meals a day, and trying to up my protein intake. I'm not going all crazy with diet yet, but I am doing a good job. We have Doritios in our house for walking tacos, and guess what Doritios, you won't be touched. We have chocolate here too (Jake's parents stock the house for when they come over, little did they know I love the stuff too). Well chocolate, suck it cuz you aint getting none from me. What's that, there's a bar in your basement stocked with beer. Forget that, I aint touchin the stuff.

It's a new me. And the encouragement from Jake is amazing. I'll be taking a before pic sometime this week but I always forget to do it. So I'll be pumped to see a before and after when I'm losing the muffin top and gaining the six pack. Holler back bitches.

obla dee obla da life goes on....

2012-01-17T11:49:00.000-08:00

Well. It's January. I'm still coughing. I'm still slightly stuffy. But, I started working out again yesterday. Not for very long b/c my lungs were in overdrive, but it's time to get fit again. Now, let's look at another issue.

Headaches
Nausea
Vomiting
Cravings (seafood like crazy for 3 weeks)
Weird pressure in my lower abdomen

So I have no fallopian tubes and streaks of ovaries. Explain this:

Pure gonadal dysgenesis and spontaneous pregnancy: a case report.

Kokcu A, Tosun M, Cetinkaya MB, Bildircin D, Celik H.

Source

Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology, School of Medicine, University of Ondokuz Mayis, Samsun, Turkey. arifkokcu@yahoo.com

Abstract

We report a case of pure gonadal dysgenesis with streak gonads in which spontaneous conception occurred 10 years after the diagnosis. Her pregnancy proceeded as normal, and she gave birth to a live baby at term by cesarean section. A lactation period lasting for 1 year and afterwards proceeded as amenorrheic. Gonadotropins measurements in post-lactational period were at the menopausal levels again. To the best of our knowledge, this is the first case of pure gonadal dysgenesis with streak gonads in which spontaneous conception occurred.

Say what?! My mom instructed me to get a dollar store test. Am I this crazy that I could possibly be thinking this is a possibility? I think I'm going crazy. For 10 years science has been saying "NO KIDDOS" and in 2011 Mayo Clinic said "Get used to the idea you will never have kids".

I may be crazy. Also, it could be something else, but it's just weird. Jake and Kolby babies would be amazeballs. And he did propose saturday night. However, still not official since no ring. I told him, next time he pulls that on me again, it's on! Punk ass.

Jake

2012-01-03T12:18:00.000-08:00

This man is my everything. I would be so lost without him. I have never felt so loved. We don't have to play games. I tell him everything, even if he doesn't want to hear it. I realized that I am so lucky to have this man in my life. I'll accept his unofficial proposal, since there was no ring, and just say, I'm going to MARRY HIM! And when it's official, I'll let you know!! He's amazing. Here is to another great year with Jake. Bring it 2012!

Happy New Year!!

I'm 28. Ouch my soul box!

2011-12-14T11:27:00.000-08:00

Today I turn 28. It's weird to think how different my life is now then what I thought it was going to be when I was 18. I can say that I successfully moved out of Iowa like I planned. I have traveled. I've graduated college. I've dated some cool and not so cool guys. I'm not married like I thought I'd be. And I don't have kids like I thought I would. That part doesn't make me depressed at all. If I was single, maybe. I am super happy I don't have kids. I still nanny for 2 yr old twins, and right now they are jumping in their cribs not napping. I have so much freedom and I love it. I like that I get to leave and go home and no more changing diapers. I know, once they are my own it will be different. As far as being married, I may be working on that, but I'm enjoying living with my amazing boyfriend. I started to call him my man friend because boyfriend sounds like I'm in high school or something. I know when Jake and I talk about having kids, it will be a challenge with my whole "can't have kids thing", but I know we'll work it out when we're ready.

I am not where I want to be as far as career wise, but I'm working on that. My definitions of success have changed in the last few years. I also know from growing older and talking to older people, that sometimes, you don't even know what you want to do or know what your dream job is until you're older. My dad didn't get his dream job until his 40's. I have time I think for that.

I also want to thank Jake for making me a delicious home made cake with oreo buttercream frosting, and then leaving to go out of town so I sit home by myself and eat it all night. Long sentence. So ya, so much for watching what I'm eating.

I know my music style has somewhat changed also. I still love me alk3 and tbs, but I am now a fantastic rapper. Holler back youngin'.

Other than that, I'm pretty happy for life. Minus not really liking MN and my job status, I think things are going fairly well. Great friends, family, boyfriend, etc.

I feel so loved today. So many people shouting out to me on FB and through texts. Feels pretty good. Just wish I had more of living around me so I could party. And yes, I think I'm feeling well enough to drink this weekend and maybe next.

It's time to re-engage my badassness. Game on life.

Enough

2011-12-07T11:05:00.000-08:00

Enough with this cold! Seriously, I have halted my workouts, gone to eating crap, and I'm sleeping all the time. It has also put a serious damper on my sex life. I am used to getting it and getting it on whenever and mostly at all times of the day. Jake has gotten used to this, but with my now month long freaking cold. It's been like 4 days. How is a person suppose to survive this. And, I feel so bad when I have to say, "I know I'm wearing sexy underwear Jake, but I really just need to sleep." This could damage a person. I hope he can get over this, and I can get over this, and we can go back to our normal routine!

So enough with the cold already. I can't even remember what it feels like to actually have energy and do stuff all the time. I'm getting to a point where I'm starting to plan the future as if I will never get rid of this cold. So today, I beat you cold. I've had enough and I won't continue to give you anymore attention. My sex life depends on it.

Good day!

doctor, doctor

2011-12-04T17:23:00.000-08:00

I finally went to the doctor. I still don't have health insurance so I'm sure it will cost me an arm and a leg. I have sinusitis and bronchitis and I was put on a few antibiotics. As I wait in line at Walmart, 45 mins worth of waiting, I started sweating and panicking because I forgot that women usually get yeast infections while on antibiotics. So, thankfully, I called the doctor and he prescribed more meds. Also, what's awesome about this guy is that I'm out of birth control, and you all know I need it for horomone replacement and not just to prevent having kids, so he even gave me a 3 month supply of the same stuff I was using! (that was a long sentence and I'm not sure it was legal). Awesome.

So, I'm still miserably sick. All I do is sleep. And I have been craving Kit Kat's. I ate 7 today (the mini christmas ones).

Cold 1, Kolby -4

On another note, my birthday is 10 days away. I have asked for a sweet new job that pays a lot of money. AND SEND ME CUPCAKES!!!!!!!!

Viral Bronchitis

2011-11-16T11:26:00.001-08:00

This has halted my exercising. When I start to run, I cough and hack, until I'm dizzy and my chest hurts. Son of A. I knew something like this would slow me down or stop me from my goal! Good thing is, I've been able to still keep track of my food and diet.

(I did eat 7 Oreo's yesterday, sue me). But I've been maintaining my weight and haven't gone up any additional pounds. Thank goodness.

I know it's awful, but if I'm this sick, why can't it affect my hunger. That is sure to help lose the weight. Too bad I'm still hungry all the time!

In other news, I'm still awesome.

Still kickin it

2011-11-07T19:27:00.000-08:00

I have figured out that it definitely helps when you have pumped up kick ass dance music to help you work out. I had some jams on today and kicked butt on the elliptical machine. I could have kept going, but my alarm kicked in and wouldn't play any more music until I shut it off.

I have been keeping track of what I've been eating, but let me tell you, it's hard on weekends. I mean, I have no idea how many chips I ate at Daves. And also, I don't know what was in that pulled pork sandwich. My point is, that I am doing my best to do something. Worked out 4 days now and Zumba starts in two weeks. I have a vision board and have been eating healthier. Ok, fine. I had a mini snickers and kit kat and maybe a smarties tonight. Damn the man. I'm still on track though! Counting calories and drinking water. LOTS of water. I've peed so many times today!

I made a fantastic dinner tonight with homemade meatballs and spaghetti sauce. YUM!! Now, when Jake gets in from fixing that car, I'm gonna give him a little desert. Which reminds me, I need to go shopping. VS.com holler.

I'm focused. I'm determined. #getfit

Amazing Dinner

2011-11-03T16:18:00.000-07:00

So, I just had to share my healthy dinner I made last night, and let me be the first to say DELICIOUS!!

Ok, here is the recipe for all of you who care to know.

Chicken Rotini with Roma Tomato Sauce

2 pc skinless, boneless chicken breast (or however much you want)
1 TBSP of Olive Oil (we used Stillwater Olive Oil Co Organic Tuscan Herb)
baby carrots (how ever many)
2 ribs celery (I used celery salt eh it worked)
1/2 cup fresh basil
2 tsp oregano leaves
4 cloves of garlic
8 roma tomatoes chopped
1 medium sweet potato
1/4 cup of chicken broth or vegetable broth
1 box whole wheat rotini pasta/spaghetti noodles
1 onion if you like that

Directions
1. Cut chicken into strips or bites
2. In small skillet, use olive oil and cook sweet potatoes, season to taste
3. In large skillet, heat olive oil medium heat. Add onion, carrots, and celery and cook until they become soft, but not brown. Add herbs and garlic and continue cooking for 2 to 3 minutes. Add chopped Roma tomatoes and sweet potatoes along with broth. Add chicken and cook until done. Simmer
3. Meanwhile, in large saucepan bring noodles to boil. Add salt and pepper and olive oil to make sure it doesn't stick
4. Drain noodles and mix in large skillet with the rest of ingredients.

Calories - 355
Calories from fat - 53
Protein - 28 g
Carbs - 54g
Total fat - 5 g
Fiber - 4 g
Sodium - 294 mg

This is seriously so good and we didn't use any sauce. It suggests you can use tomato sauce, but we didn't need it and it was good. Jake had it for lunch as leftovers and he loved it still. Got the text to prove it.

I also must add that he went to go run today and had this beanie on, with a long sleeve running shirt, shorts, and tennis shoes, and OMG I seriously almost jumped him. He looked so freaking hot I can't even tell you. Anyway, that has nothing to do with the food, but still delightful.

Day 2

2011-11-02T16:13:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I don't exactly know if I can handle a six week challenge. It's not the working out that I have a problem with, it's the food. Seriously, I just mentioned I'm a foodie and now you want me to eat asparagus and weird stuff. No way.

So, I ate ok yesterday. One too many fish tacos. I had 3. Not good for portion control. And the only bad thing was a little sour cream.

Worked out today! Got a vision board. I know you think a vision board sounds gay, but you'll be laughing when I look like a victorias secret model. What What?!

Ok, now I'm pretty hungry, better start some chicken and get ready for my final work out tonight with Jake ;)

@kolbtron

2011-11-01T08:43:00.001-07:00

Officially on the Twitter. Maybe I'm already addicted, but it's hard not to be bored sometimes when I nanny for 2 year olds and sit and watch them play with cars and trains.

Off to change a diaper. vomit insert here.

Find me @kolbtron

MY SIX WEEK CHALLENGE idea

2011-10-26T11:49:00.000-07:00

If Ricky Lake can lose 20 lbs in six weeks, then so can I! However, I know that she has money and can afford to eat better than I can with catered meals, but she is dancing her butt off and losing that weight.

I am on a mission to find a plan that works for me. My first challenge will be focusing on my stomach, love handles, and thighs. I want to find a fitness program that will help tone me and help me reach my goal of being 120 lbs. I know that sounds like a low weight to reach, but I don't know the last time I've been there and I feel it's somewhat still a healthy weight.

Jake and I are trying to save money. My reason, so he can fork over some money for a ring and a marriage, and his to pay bills off (boring). So, I have decided that joined a gym isn't looking that good for me right now. I live a few miles away from any gym and Forest Lake doesn't give you too many options.

I am going to hopefully start this on Monday, but first I need to get my goals and plan hatched out. A friend told me that I am my worst critic, and yes I am. I want to look hot and sexy and have a flat stomach for once!! Not having to suck it in all the time could be worth it.

Six Week Challenge To Do List:

Find buddy to support me
Find workouts that benefit my goals
Create goals
Eat Better (by the way, I hated yogurt and tried it several times. Well I've forced myself to eat it the past two weeks, and now, yes I like it.)

I will start to track my success and my failures. Alright people, let's get it.

Foodie

2011-10-18T09:36:00.000-07:00

If you would have told me 2 years ago that I would become somewhat of a food snob, I'd say "no way jose". I was sort of a simple eater. I went through a phase where I probably didn't eat a whole lot. I could make mac n cheese, spaghetti, and on occasion, tuna casserole. Once, I tried to do the atkins diet, and I almost burnt down the house trying to make chicken on the stove. Needless to say, I didn't know how to cook meats very well. And if I wanted a good steak, I'd go to Portland City Grill for one, not cook it myself.

My foodie realization began when Jake and I recently ventured on doing a budget to see where our money goes, and how to effectively spend it. While going over our "groceries" column, we decided that $200 a month just wasn't working for us. Why? Because we like to eat. I never would have thought it, but yes, I'm turning into a foodie. I like to get nice good food now. Does that make me a snob? I can't buy certain store brand foods,because it just tastes different. I hardly eat mac n cheese anymore. Maybe once a month when I went from like 3 times a week. And now, I can't do without getting more than two things of beef. I never even bought beef before Jake. I didn't even know what to buy. I'm getting good, oh yes.

Now I'm even beginning to be a sushi snob. I can thank Jake and Portland for that. I had this amazing Sushi here in Minneapolis believe it or not. Oh, but one of my favorite places was in Detroit too. Then Seattle!The worst sushi I've ever eaten hand down is Shokai in Burlington. I even had to try it twice because sooo many people kept telling me how good it was. No, it was terrible. I mean, worst of the worst, and I've been to some shady places.

My recent trip to William-Sonoma sure proved me to be a foodie as well. Since when did I ever care to get cooking utensils or pots and pans? Apparently now. I bought a few things and am actually excited to use them.

What is this world coming to?! And, since my recent stint of not working for 5 months and now nannying for 2 year old twins, I have no gained 6 lbs. Do they really have to buy oreos every week. I know that's it. I try and try to eat right, but now, I just love to eat good food. I don't know if this is something I want to brag about, or be ashamed of. Where is the girl that lost 27 lbs just eating what frosted cheerios and drinking water. She gone. I mean, I am healthier now, but I guess I'll have to join a gym.

So here is to a new day of being a foodie and loving to cook. I have to say, my favorite meals I've made have been the cuban sandwich and this baked pesto chicken dish I made up! How fun. I did make a killer salmon last year for Sara and Adam, but that was my aunts recipe.

Sorry for not updating in what seems like a lifetime I know. I'll have to post later about my job at Raffine Bridal. It's actually job I love! Bridal Fashion, who knew. And that too is how I'll become a Bridal Snob. More on that later....

PASEO CUBAN ROAST SANDWICH RECREATION

2011-08-23T10:27:00.000-07:00

(picture from another website, I couldn't get mine to upload!)

So, many of you have not been to Paseo for food. It's in Seattle and it's freaking amazing. And that's an understatement. Our friend took us to this place and I have become obsessed, so much more now that I decided to recreate my favorite sandwich.

Most of you don't know that I am a cook now, yep, I can cook a few mean and amazing things and this is on my list as my specialty. It's actually pretty easy, just a little prep work is needed.

Cuban Pork Roast Sandwich:

Step One:
Marinade Ingredients -
-3 or 4 lbs of Pork Roast Shoulder
-1 cup mango juice
-2 cups OJ
-2 TBSP lime juice
-2 TBSP fresh garlic (rubbed it on pork and in creases)
-1 TSP Oregano
Salt / Pepper
-1 shot of Rum (we used Bacardi Limon)
-sprinkle brown sugar in for extra flavor

Marinate Pork overnight. We used a zip lock bag and put it in the fridge over night. I kept turning it the next day to get marinate juices all over.

Step 2:
Cut up yellow unions and cook in skillet or frying pan until caramelized. Lightly sear pork shoulder on each side in skillet or lightly oiled pan. Then place in a roasting pan (we used a glass cooking pan) and pour marinade over it and add onions. Cover pan with foil and place in oven and set to 300* and cook for 45 minutes. Then uncover and cook for 1 hour and 30 mins, basting as needed and flipping meat over half way through. Let meat stand for 10 minutes before cutting.

Step 3:
Garlic Mayo Prep - peel and chop 8 cloves of garlic (I used minced garlic, but either works). Put garlic on aluminum foil with edges folded up, pour lime juice on top of the garlic. Place foil in oven and heat medium until garlic and soft and roasted. Add this to 1 cup of Mayo. Add 2 TBSP olive oil, 2 TBSP lime juice, 1 TBSP relish and stir.

If you don't want to try that garlic mayo, use some ranch dressing and mix in garlic! Tastes great!! And gives your next sandwich a kick!

Step 5:
Cut bread in half (use baguette bread with a chewy texture.) Slather garlic mayo on both sides and place in the oven until mayo puffs up and it browns.

Step 6:
Place a little more mayo on the bread, add romaine lettuce, pork, marinade, pickled jalapenos (if you're into that), and cilantro!

And enjoy your sandwich!!! YUM!!!!!

Mom and Me

2011-08-22T20:13:00.000-07:00

New Adventures

2011-08-22T19:59:00.000-07:00

So, I start working full time next Wednesday. The last few jobs I've tried to take on were part time and not that great. The travel agent thing would be cool, if I actually learned and if it was a little more organized. So, I am starting this new adventure: Nanny Kolby

I will be nannying for these two cute little boys Brody and Max. They are 2 year old twins. Super cute kids and I think it could be fun. This will be full time and I'll finally get on a routine and out of the house some days.

The second part, hopefully, is part time at a Bridal Salon. It's very cute and I think it would be interesting. I've always been fascinated with weddings, so why not try it. I had an interview today, should hear back soon.

You'd also think that having about 5 months off I'd be super skinny. Wrong. I have motivation to work out. I know my old excuse was that I didn't have time. This time, it's I gotta get out of the house and be in class setting or I won't do it. So, after that, I'll be taking kickboxing classes and pole dancing classes. Why not pole dancing? Jake loves strippers and so do I, and some, yes some, have killer bods.

Once I get a schedule and start getting out more, I'm going to do this and keep track of how everything is. I am still into photography, but I just need to learn photoshop! That program is super confusing.

Other than that, Jake and I might purchase a wakeboard boat, but we sold the trailblazer and need a car. Good thing I nanny about 1 minute from home!

I hope this is an adventure that will be rewarding and fun. I'll be looking to the great Liz Monroe for activity ideas since she is an amazing mom who is always doing things!

I need to get it together.Get motivated. Get off my butt and do things. I seriously had an interview today, ran a few errands, and then hung out at home. I honestly didn't do a damn thing. That is all changing.

Cross your fingers about the bridal salon so I can make friends on the weekend and I start as Nanny Kolby next week! Wish me luck!

Wake Boarding.

2011-08-17T07:48:00.000-07:00

Inspiration

2011-07-07T13:56:00.000-07:00

Remember how I've been saying that I need to be inspired. Well, I've been waiting and waiting, and nothing. And just when you know it, when you're not looking, you find it.

It's something I've always had an interest in. I've always been the one with the camera trying to get those good shots. Well, now I'm getting a chance to get into photography and I'm pretty excited. I can't wait to see if I even have a talent for it and if it's something I would like. Duh, I've always wanted to do it, but I just always had it imprinted in my mind to get a college degree in something and never knew you could actually do it in photography.

Woop Woop ninja what!!?

Anyway, I can't wait to get started. Maybe some classes, maybe not, maybe just going with the flow. I will hopefully have a sweet camera to borrow from my ....what do you call her, mother in lawish?!...and then I can see what it's like.

Excited, yes please!

Summer Fun

2011-07-07T09:45:00.000-07:00

Ok, Minnesota isn't all that bad. I had such a great time this past weekend and it made me realize that it has been great being back in the midwest this summer! Here are some awesome pictures taken by Jake's mom from our camping weekend. It were these photos that got me inspired to take up photography. I am getting a super new professional camera and looking at lessons. I'm so excited to see what I can do. It's something I've always been interested in. And I'm usually the one behind the camera trying to catch those great action and candid shots, so it's only fitting for me to try. I'm excited to see what I can learn and what I can do with it!

I love this picture of Jake. He is so amazing in every way. I'm so lucky.

Dear Portland,

2011-06-23T11:55:00.000-07:00

I never knew how much a city could affect someone. I have lived in so many places and I can barely keep track anymore. I moved away from my hometown just a year after I graduated high school and I never looked back. I would go months without going back to my hometown because I had friends and family whenever and wherever I needed them. I had a great time in college and Cedar Falls does have a place in my heart, but yet when I moved away from there even, I still never got homesick. I moved out of state to Minnesota, and that didn't last long. Instead of going back to any city I had lived in, I tried a new one, Des Moines. I did love Des Moines. I think the main reason was I had family and friends there. After a year, I was promoted and quick to move. I missed Des Moines and hated my new town Cedar Rapids. I was going to move back to Des Moines, that was until I visited Portland.

I fell in love so hard and fast it was incredible. I have never had such a reaction to a city or a place. You captivated me in every way possible. There was romance, a little making out with a local boy, passion with scenery, and adventure with the Goonies. I never wanted to leave. That's why it only took me three weeks to get back to you. You treated me so good, I don't think I've had one bad thing to say about you.

It wasn't an easy choice to move away, but my heart felt like this would be another great adventure. I never cried so much when leaving a place. I felt like I was leaving something great, and when I left work that final day, I couldn't stop sobbing. The thought of not seeing certain people everyday, the mountain everyday, and my life out west made me sick to my stomach. However, I put on a brave face and got excited for my new adventure.

Portland, you haven't left my heart. I've been waiting for this feeling to go away. It's been 3 months already, and I still get sick to my stomach when I think about what I've left behind. I gave up my life, my job, and friends to move here, to Minnesota. Maybe it's because I haven't found my life here yet, and I should be thankful I have Jake, but I can't shake you. I cried last night at the thought of you. I miss you.

I miss that there is always something to do. I miss the atmosphere. I miss the food. I miss the beer. I miss Portland vibe. I miss the streets. I miss the neighborhoods. I miss the Coast. I miss my friends.

I had lived in a part of this area before and hated it, did I really think that could change because of a person? How can he help me get over this heartbreak? What is he suppose to do? I feel so guilty every time I say your name, every time I say I miss you. I had a thought about going back for a while, just to see what it is like without Jake to help me realize I made the right choice. I have never been this homesick in my entire life.

Portland, I can't get over you, but I need to find a way to move on. I don't know how. You only got one good year of me. I'm trying to be positive and not put this on Jake. It might be different if I had something going for me, but I feel like I don't have anything. I can't do anything.

So my dearest Portland, please don't forget about me. I'll never forget our amazing year, and as I try to move on, I hope I can see you again someday.

With all my heart,

Kolby

hey batta batta batta....

2011-06-17T12:25:00.000-07:00

Everyone always likes to give me shit about why I like the Yankees. It's not a very complicated story, but I guess it does have an explaination.

I haven't really followed baseball too closely because I have always been a gigantic Nebraska Husker fan. I mean, in high school, my car had about 3 Nebraska stickers and I had posters all over. So, baseball wasn't really something I was that big into. (side note:still a HUGE HUSKER FAN)

I tried being a cardinals fan because my stepdad was. We went to a few games and I had some Tshirts. I didn't really know anything about it though.

I had mentioned I dated Zach for a few years. His family, and him, were huge Yankees fans. I didn't care much for it and actually thought it was kind of annoying. After about a year, I caught on to a few things. I started to learn about the players and more about baseball. It became pretty fun and I enjoyed being a fan. I've grown up being hated anyway because I'm Husker living about a an hour away from Hawkeye country. So being a Yankee and hated was nothing new to me.

After I realized that Zach wasn't good enough for me, I stopped paying as much attention to the Yankees as I used to. After a while, I realized that being a Yankees fan didn't make me think of Zach, and if I did, it was probably that I was so glad I wasn't with him anymore. It was one of my easiest breakups, except for losing my dog. I just had to move on with my life and so I did. Now when I think of the Yankees, I think about a great team and not the boy associated with how I started liking them (until posting this).

I couldn't just give up a team I'd cheered for for nearly two years. I mean, Tex, Posada, and Joba, no way. It became fun again and I stopped worrying about what people would think.

So yes, I am still a Yankees fan. And I think that's Ok. Jake is a huge Twins fan. He's from Minnesota so I guess I'll have to deal with that. It was pretty awesome when he took me to two Yankees/Mariners games in Seattle. He saw a crazy side of me that got called every bad name in the book at the game. I like the rivalry and can't wait to go to the Twins/Yankees games this year!

So, for all you haters out there hating on me and my boys, SUCK IT! If any other team had the resources like the Yanks, they would do it to. And it's hard to compete with Americas favorite team.

GO YANKEES!!!!

I'm type XX, and you are?

2011-06-15T09:46:00.000-07:00

I don't understand how every night before I fall asleep, I can think of a million things to write, but when I get around to it the next day, I can't remember. Maybe I should be writing my book at night instead.

The first song I ever rapped to was http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6voHeEa3ig. Man, I thought I was such a badass. Ok, I still am. And I can still rap every part of it. Ha.

I'm the kind of g that little homies wanna be like.

I'm an educated fool with money on my mind, got my 10 in my hand and the gleam in my eye.

Death aint nothing but a heartbeat away.

I remember sitting in Nick Kindig's room with Tiff and listening to that and 2pac and bone thugz. Such great times when I was a little more innocent than I am now. Wow how things have changed.

On a more serious note:

I was 15 and there was a movie on Lifetime. Damn Tiffany making me watch Lifetime. There was a movie about a girl who got married and couldn't have kids. It turned out she didn't have a uterus. I looked at my mom and said, that's going to be me. She just looked at me and said, "why do you say that?" Have you ever had that feeling that you know in your gut is true?

Warning, for all those males out there that don't like hearing about lady business, it's coming up ahead.

I was 18 and hadn't started my period yet. I had gone to the doctor for four years in Burlington. This is a reason I won't trust my life at that hospital. They kept saying, "You're a late bloomer. You are in dance and cheer leading and sports, so you are just too active." I told my mom I needed to go somewhere else. Now, I didn't want my period, I wanted boobs. I felt so self conscious of my body it was really getting out of control.

My mom took me to Iowa City to the University hospitals. They looked around and took some blood samples. An hour or so later, I was pulled into the doc's office. Not the exam room, but actual office. I remember hearing that I have Gonadal Dysgenesis. I also remember him saying that when I was a 7 week old fetus, the blood flow wasn't getting certain areas and therefore I didn't develop any eggs. The rest is kind of a blur. I remember crying and my mom feeling terrible. I think he said something about me being able to do IVF.

My mom didn't know what to do. How could she? They started me on birth control and estrogen pills so my body would start producing hormones and maybe grow some boobies. When all your friends are busting out and you still won't let your boyfriend of like a month touch your boobs being 18, then yes I wanted them to grow. My mom has big ones, why don't I?

After a few months with that I got used to it. I didn't talk about it at first, but then realized I couldn't let it control me and be one of those girls that thought life was so sucky because I have this disease. I didn't care much about it. I went to college and started drinking more heavily, and didn't worry about if I took the pill that day. I still wasn't having sex, so it didn't seem like a big deal to me.

I think that's why I named myself a make out bandit because I wasn't slutty and sleeping around, I just really loved to make out.

I went to the doctor my sophomore year of college. I was tired of taking the pill everyday, so I was wanting a reason as to why I had to take it, and maybe other solutions. I need the pill otherwise I'll go through osteoporosis. I need the hormones for my bones. This doctor completely creeped me out. He asked me how comfortable I was with my body. Mind you, this guy was like 70. I lied and said that I still had my V card. I had only had sex like twice so I didn't feel like I needed to say anything. He told me about certain websites I could go to to vibrator. Then when I asked about a boob job, he said I could lose nipple sensation. Were my nipples sensitive? I didn't know. I wasn't super adventurous with sex yet. I mean my first time, seriously was terrible. I'll say two pumps and that was that. Not impressive, and I thought, really, this is what I was waiting for? So I didn't know about nipple stimulation and all that. This guy was creepy and I didn't want him as my doctor anymore.

A few years passed and so did my awkwardness I guess. It was really a weird time for me. I look at pictures and think about how dorky and not attractive I was. Anyway, I started having really really bad pain in 2008 in my lower abs and where my pelvis was. I mean, I thought I had an ovarian cyst or my appendix burst. I went to a doctor in Des Moines, where I was living, and the bitch of a nurse said, 'You don't have any ovaries." WTF. They even used a huge dildo looking thing to stick up in me and find that out. Talk about uncomfortable.

That same day in February, my gramma died. So I didn't do much and am still grieving her death.

The pain was still there and sometimes I'd end up in the fetal position on the bathroom floor unable to move. I went to the ER once, and they ordered an MRI, and then the doctor I went to said "I told you I wasn't authorizing an MRI." Bitch. She heard a mouth full from me.

I just let the pain go, and when I lived in Portland it continued. I found an amazing doctor and I actually cried when I moved. She helped me so much and really cared about me. I was bleeding for about 5 months, and it was terrible. I went to the Mayo Clinic online and filled out an application to be seen. I got a call, and went to Mayo in January of this year. My doctor Katherine in Portland, did a few tests and actually found a streak of an ovary. Mayo explained that there are different types of Gonadal Dysgenesis. One of which is cancerous. We spent two days at Mayo and they said the streaks could be cancer. They asked me a few questions and he felt since I said I have a high sex drive, that I was most likely XX and not XY (the bad one). They took blood samples and I got into another doctor about the pain. He said it was abdomanal wall pain and I just needed a few shots.

I got a letter about a month later saying that I was type XX. A big relief. However, we did learn something else. I will never be able to carry a child. Not even through IVF. My body physically won't be strong enough. I was actually OK with that news. I had about 10 years of knowing that I probably wouldn't. They also said if I tried, it would be like $50K. Seriously? So when I'm ready, I'll adopt or find a surrogate. Another positive, I won't go through menopause. Thank god, my mom is really hating that right now.

If you google my condition, just beware, you may get some things as turner syndrome or hermaphrodite. I am a full female and have no man parts. Mayo confirms it, that is why type XX is so important. I am a true female. So other girls, if you have this and people see that, tell them to suck it and that not every thing on the internet might pertain to you or your condition.

I have found out so much information these past years and I wish I had known all this when I was younger. I might have taken it more seriously. It just made me who I am today. And, I want to bring the awareness of this RARE condition to people's attention. There are people out there like me. I'm here to help and support the next young girl going through this awkward stage. And don't worry girls, the sex gets so much better. Maybe it's that I found the right person or that I am just that freaking good :)

I never kiss and tell...or do I...

2011-06-09T22:08:00.000-07:00

I have been known to be a makeout bandit, but I think it only made me the person I am today. As I talk to one my best friends, I started think about the best kissers. I can only think of two.

I have never had that first love feeling until I started thinking about my past relationships. Is it possible to have a first love feeling with a best friend (a man best friend)? No other ex boyfriend has had that affect on me. Maybe it's the fact that on my 23rd birthday, I pushed him into his room and demanded he kiss me. Or maybe it's the fact that , I remember one of first encouters on Streb street. You see, that's how awesome I am. I am so happy that this friend of mine is a pretty awesome guy and that we're still friends. In this case, my first love takes number 2, and that's a pretty big deal. Although when I move closer, he moves away this time. Such a Jonn thing to do. I'm so glad he's still my friend and that he is very supportive of Jake and me. It really means a lot to me. Just means no more mob for now.

Jake is by far awesome. I don't know if it's his shy personality or just that he's so damn good to me makes a difference, but I love it. I seriously don't think I could kiss enough. It's one of my hobbies. He's out of town for a few days, and I miss him.

In other recent news, Burlington would be a cool town if certain people didn't live in it. Just saying. I don't understand why some people are douchbags. I like to see my friends and family, and if you aren't in either of those categories, then you shouldn't be around me.

And I do miss me some Portland though, and that sexy Jessica Burgess ;) And strip clubs, I am actually missing those too. Will someone please get me a pole for my house already! Geesh.

2011-06-03T12:49:00.000-07:00

"Don't be afraid to be great, because you are." - Nathan Scott from One Tree Hill. Don't hate, I love that show!

It's been a little over 2 months since I've worked a full time job. I did get a part time job as a travel agent which I thought was promising, but it turns out it's only 1 day a week and it's a lot harder to commit to something just one day a week that I was only getting into to see if I'd like it. I don't feel challenged and like I'm worth anything.

I got an opportunity to do sales for an upcoming happy hour website (www.dailyhappyhour.com). I hope I'm not getting in too deep, but it sounds fun and like I could move up in the company. I love it's not corporate and they are giving me free reign to sell my way and to have fun with it. I'm up for the adventure and I'm ready to make more accomplishments. I'm so lucky to have the support of Jake to help me get through this.

Although, I am still considering Graham's advice about starting another blog about relationships and well other things. We'll see, that does sound like a good thing too.

I'm ready to take chances and make my life what I want it to be. I'm still figuring out my "dream job" but I'm getting closer to figuring it out. For now, I think I'm doing a great job of being a mom to my cats and an amazing girlfriend to Jake. P.S. I can cook now! Ok, I'm not the best, but I can cook other things than mac n cheese. I know Frobird, you never thought I could give up the mac n cheese but I've only had it twice in like 5 months!! I'm growing up! And just to add, Liz, you have been such a great role model!!

Alright, I'm off for the weekend. Hopefully I'll have more random thoughts for you all next week. I tend to get sidetracked watching The O.C. and One Tree Hill everyday.

Also, coming soon, Jake and I are going to create a workout plan, set a goal, and kick ass. We are still figuring that out, so when we do, I'll be keeping you posted on how close to our goal we are getting!!

Congrats Liz and Wade on #3 Jasper Bentley! Such an awesome family!

Peace out yo!

A Weekend with the Greeks

2011-05-30T17:58:00.000-07:00

I will just be the first one to admit that I may have pre judged many people that I probably didn't know. I guess the Greek system from where I was were full of douches and bitches. I have heard however, it does depend on the college.

I had the pleasure of hanging out with TKE's and Delta's and Alpha Zeta's this past weekend. I actually had the most amazing time and made some great friends. I can see now why Jake chose to be a part of the Greek life in college. I felt so accepted and these people were actually cool.

It has been really fun getting to know that side of Jake. It actually changed my perception on a few things in our relationship. I have known that Jake and I are different, and I know that we are getting married. I was just expecting to get engaged shortly after we moved and I could start planning my wedding. I was totally leaving Jake out of it. I want a marriage with him, and not just a wedding. I was picturing a small affair on a lake with close friends and family and just a chilled out time. After going to his friends wedding this past weekend, I can see that Jake and I's wedding (someday) will be much more than a small affair. I loved how passionate the TKE guys were about everything. I loved how close everyone was. I loved the celebration. I know it's important to Jake to have all of those things. I see that now. I see that what we have is amazing and it deserves a grand celebration.

I don't need a ring on my finger just yet. I have a committed man and I know that. I know that what we want, we can't have right now. So, here, online where everyone can see, I am going to stop obsessing over my wedding, and focus on my relationship with Jake and building our life together, whether that's just dating, engaged, or maybe married someday. I have the best boyfriend and if I know I'm spending my life with him, then I don't need to rush into anything. We have our house, our home, and each other.

I have to say these Greeks impressed the hell out of me and I loved every minute spent with them.

yawning

2011-05-18T19:25:00.000-07:00

sometimes when i yawn, i yawn and then make this noise that goes "rawr rawr rawr" kind of like a dog.

just thought i'd share!

Not So Awesome...

2011-05-16T10:46:00.000-07:00

My Dad and Jackie (Stepmom) came to visit this weekend. I was so excited because we have this amazing house and spare room. Whenever my Dad has visit any of my houses, I haven't always had the space. He's either stayed with other family, or not stayed at all. It was really exciting. Jackie brought dinner and my gramma Kipp's no bake cookies. She was awesome and we had a good night catching up.

Of course, I go on the job rant about all my rejections. My Dad gives me really good advice and it was nice to talk about it.

The not so awesome day of my life was about to happen. We headed out for the day and decided to meet up with Jake's parents in Stillwater. Jake's brothers girlfriend Emily (super awesome) is from around Stillwater and gave me tons of suggestions. We had a good lunch and then walked around the town. We found this bar Rafters. Jackie played "guess the bartenders name" and then it got to guessing my name since it's a given no guesser.

After a few shots and trying to set the bartender up with my cousin, we left to head back home. I was rather intoxicated at that point. We were having a great time. The Yankees were on, and we were listening to music at our house. I did know grilling out was taking place.

I don't remember much, but here's what I do remember. The neighbors called the police for a noise complaint. At the time, we were eating and the cops themselves said there wasn't a problem and it was only 8 pm on a Saturday. I immediately became upset because I have had no luck with cops. I got very upset. Then I decided to pick fights with Jake. This hasn't been like me in so long. I have nothing to fight about with this amazing man. I cried a lot, and let my parents and HIS see me in the bad light. I started getting upset again about the job situation. WTF Kolbs, pull it together.

I even threw a picture frame. Kids, I am not proud of that moment. In fact, all day yesterday I had felt like I did something terrible and was so ashamed. I even threatened I would move out. How could I say such a horrible thing to Jake. I was an idiot, and extremely drunk idiot.

I realized something yesterday. I need to stop dwelling on the fact that I don't have a job. I need to LIVE IT UP. It's sunny and nice, and I always wish I could lay out on days like this. I'm getting over the boo hoo I'm worthless feeling and living my life. Jake wants to support me and help me find my dream.

I apologized to family and still feel like I acted like a 19 year old. They understand the stress I've gone through, but I'm letting it go.

Not so awesome lesson turned into my new direction on life. I also drunk proposed to Jake. He said yes. But, it's not official because I want the ring and him to ask me ;)

I embarrassed myself, but I learned something. So this lesson, do not mix shots and beer and drink for 10 hrs straight.

I am going to enjoy my one day a week travel and marketing job, and look to the future. Jake is my amazing man and I'm going to make him happy.

Also, today is our 1 year anniversary. I will cherish him and love him and make him a kick ass dinner! Maybe give him a little dessert later :)

NO MORE BITCHING ABOUT NOT FIND A GREAT JOB AND JUST BE AWESOME INSTEAD!

Everything I do, I do it BIG.....

2011-05-13T12:38:00.000-07:00

I started to clean today because well, we have guests coming over for the weekend. I always like to change out my pictures to give the house a fresh look. It's always a bad idea because I end up going through photo albums thinking about each picture and person in it. It took me back to my voodoo days. Damn Voodoo, you got me through a lot. I look at those pictures and think, I was even awesome back then. Sitting on the floor while playing the soundtrack to my life, makes me think that would be a good scene in my movie.

I remember a time when we were a family at voodoo. Well, a family of booze, sex, after hours and hardcore making out. Who is dating who, who made out with who, you get it. We started to hang out at Sterling (apartments) one summer when Jorge lived there with a bunch of guys. They had a hot tub, pool, and sand volleyball court. We had joined Barmuda's volleyball league and I was the token girl on the team. Barmuda was the chain of bars owned by one Darren Beck. It was an employee league and dammit we were just ok. Mondays we would drink all day by the pool and play until our game that night. One day, I decide to bong boxed wine. Not only did I bong boxed wine, I did from three stories down. I believe after the wine was gone, the guys put beer in there. Needless to say, I was F'd up. Sawyer drank a little too much tequila in the hot tub, biffed it on the court, and we decided to put her to bed. They didn't have a bed yet, so we wrapped her in a blanket and told her to stay put. About 15 mins later, she was back outside. Our game was that night. I'm not to sure what happened besides the fact that I ate a lot of sand. They replaced me that night since I was terrible. I'm pretty sure Kirk wanted to take me behind the bushes, which was by the mall, and we ended up walking to the bank by the mall with full drinks in hand. I'm pretty sure we could have been picked up, but we knew how to avoid the cops. We made it back to Coconuts and our game was over. I don't remember much else, but that the next day the guys said that the girls on the team were no longer allowed to bong boxed wine, or even drink boxed wine. I was the only girl on the team! The summer of 2005 was so much fun. I'll never forget Sawyer and I kissing Jake Vold and making the chair fall over at Jokers. I think she was trying to hook me up with him, but he was too much of an ass to get any of this. I met some great friends and I will never forget how that summer changed my life. We had a great group going on, Liz Fro, Sawyer, Jenny, Jorge, Kirk, Billings, Renae, Jon Green, Sodders, Dave 7, Angie, Robby, Bruce Day, Mel, and I'm sure others I'm forgetting to name. We were awesome. And duh, still are!

That was a great time in my life. College. I remember a friend referred them to "your voodoo friends."

My old roommate Kristen is getting married next weekend in Cedar Falls. I am so excited to go back to the place that helped me discover all my awesomeness. I'll get to hopefully see some friends that I have known since I was 16. Ryan, Jonn, and Derek. I love those guys. Poor Derek is the only one that I haven't made out with. Fortunately for Ryan, Sara Hammer and I decided to give him a nice three way kiss for his birthday. Jonn will just have to be another chapter. That story involves 7 years of friendship and making outship...

Damn, I'm awesome. I ask Jake all the time about his days in college. He was in a Fraternity and I was never in one, but I'm sure they have crazy stories. I was never into those frat guys in college because at my school they were douchey. I guess when he said "I feel like you have tons of stories from college and voodoo that I don't know about" he was right. It's cool though, in order to understand all the awesomeness, you have to embrace where it came from!

Keep it real out there world.

....the show goes on....

2011-05-06T08:18:00.000-07:00

It's Friday and I've actually had a semi productive week. However, Monday, my butt did not leave the couch besides to find food and to pee. Let's check out the updated on my week.
Lupe Fiasco saved my week.
So no matter what you been through
No matter what you into
No matter what you see when you look outside your window
Brown grass or green grass
Picket fence or barbed wire
Never ever put them down
You just lift your arms higher
Raise em till’ your arms tired
Let em’ know you’re their
That you struggling and survivin’ that you gonna persevere
Yeah, ain’t no body leavin, no body goin’ home
Even if they turn the lights out the show is goin’ on!

Since then, I've got my hair done and talked the whole time to my new hairdresser. I can't help but talk about how great Portland is and ask what there is to do in this town. Then I got to see my friend Amy an hour away, and then get this, I dusted the blinds and the ceiling fan! Go Me! I feel like maybe my neighbors think I'm a stripper. I'm washing Jake's Jeep, which by the way is just a sexy Jeep if I may add. I had his system bumpin' and I'm grooving outside in the 65* weather. Sometimes I feel like there is a ghetto rapper inside me the way I rap it up and dance like I own it. I was having one of those days. I like to work my hips because well, I'm trying to get in shape. Anyway, after I washed the cars and danced outside, I went inside to dust the blinds. We have big windows and some fun songs came on like, "look ma no hands and no dolla I don't dance" so I'm moving around twisting those hips and my neighbor drove by. I'm pretty sure he drove by slowly to find out what I was doing. Playing loud music, dancing around, at home during the day. He's thinking, definite stripper, her man must be lucky. Dude, he totes is.

So, I was flipping through the channels the other day and Overboard was on. I love this movie, it's one of my favorites. This part came on, and I felt like that was me when I first moved here. I'm trying to be a good house girlfriend and cook dinner for Jake and do all the chores. One day I decided to cook a chicken. Engagement chicken actually. Apparently it was in Glamor Magazine and 72 women have gotten engaged after they made this for their man. I know Jake and I are going to get married someday, so I just thought I'd try it. This video describes how I felt cooking this whole chicken.
Cooking Fiasco

Today feels like a good day. I'm already jammin' out. Who knew that Fuse and VH1 still play music videos. Today is Lil' Wayne on Top 20 countdown. I must go because I feel like busting a move to "Back that Ass Up"

Peace.

live young. die fast

2011-05-02T22:16:00.000-07:00

sit back and relax enjoy the crash. i love showering listening to the acoustics of alkaline trio. i request a song of theirs to be played at my funeral. which hopefully doesn't happen anytime soon. just thought i'd throw that out there.

just to let you all know. i'm sleeping with a sharp knife under my pillow.

this is the first night alone in my gigantor house in the boonies.

no caps tonight. i feel like being a grammar rebel.

let this candle burn till you get home. never forget your face never lose hope. tonight.

run for cover as fast as you can where fighters are lovers, enemies are friends. pens and knives apologize for leaving you tonight.

run for cover and you'll find us there.

also this band reminds me of my mob for seven years and all the good times we've had. not mentioned in earlier post but i'm missing jonn gibson hardcore. i love you. cross my heart and hope to live.

this is the real me. from now on no leaving anything left unsaid to spare feelings. just straight up pimp style Kolby.

it's about time, that i came clean with you, i'm no longer fine.

help me help me sing me one last song .

i fucking love alkaline trio. a million heartbeats all around you. love love love..kiss kiss..

my favorite past time. easy. listening to kick ass music and thinking about all the wonderful and amazing things the songs, lyrics, memories, and emotions that come out of it.

remember stalker. knife under pillow. word.

Awesome Lesson #1

2011-05-02T11:09:00.000-07:00

I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. I know I haven't dated the best guys in the world, but if I hadn't have dated them, then who knows who I'd be with or where I'd be right now.

Short story long:

I dated AJ in high school, but I broke up with him. He tried to grab my boobs while watching a movie at his parents on Valentines Day. I was still not comfortable with my body then, so I broke up with him. Also, I don't think we talked for two weeks. After that and graduation, I called myself a makeout bandit. A couple three way kisses and lots of making out with guys was definitely awesome. However, I couldn't quite land a great guy. Then, I was in love with Nate K. I would go to Iowa City any chance I could get. After I got drunk at a birthday party he threw for me, he threw my present at me and dumped me. I don't think we actually dated, but it was a good hard dumping. Not to mention my homeboy Jesse got pulled over on the way home. Needless to say, I didn't end up with Nate but indeed had a major crush on him for a good two years of my life.

I dated Allen, then he broke up with me, then dated Jeremy and that didn't make it past eight months. Those two are great and still my friends. Then comes Kirk who I wanted to date, but he liked his now wife, and made out with Jorge. He's my gorgeous mexican with blue eyes. They also made out with Sawyer and we called ourselves the square. Oh college. Loved it! I hung out with Nate H. for about a month but then I was still loving the single game.

I met Martin at work and we dated for about a year. It was pretty serious and we lived together for about a few months but after I realized that this guy hated sports and drinking, I knew it was over. A serious almost killing by running me off the road occurred followed by a half night in jail on my part. I moved in with the most amazing woman and her family for a few months. I focused on school and then once I moved out met Zach.

Zach and I dated for almost three years. That was an interesting relationship. I think that deserves a few chapters in my book. He was a very nice guy and only have a little bit of beef with him. Anyway, after another promotion from Hertz, I decided we weren't moving in the right direction anymore, and I didn't like supporting him anymore either. He moved in with his mom in Des Moines and I was thinking about moving to Dubuque with my promotion. Jordan, a coworker, was in love with me, but he was married and that was never gonna happen! I know you are waiting for the awesome lesson, don't worry, I'm getting there.

I was driving about three hours a day to get to work and back. On weekends, I was going out of town to hang out with friends. I was having fun and doing what I wanted. Christmas 2009 was so much fun in Burlington. It was like I was a different person. I had lost weight. 27 lbs to be exact. I don't know how. Well, I guess it's that I didn't grocery shop for about 2 months and only ate frosted cheerios. I had a new look, new hair color, and some new friends. My brother Kyle said I was fun again. And dammit, I was.

I went on a couple dates with Clinton but he was in the Marines, and then there was Jeff. He was pretty cool and I did want to date him. I had so much fun hanging out with him and his friends. When we just weren't ready to date, I went to visit Sara in Portland. BEST DECISION EVER. Met Russell, and he was good kisser. I moved out to Ptown three weeks later with my roommate Dave. Sara insisted we'd get together, but that was not the case.

The lesson is be yourself and have fun. I didn't have that motto with any other guy. I thought, well they like me, I'll give it a shot. I wasn't picky, I just went with whatever. I didn't have courage to tell myself I deserved better or could get a smart good looking well rounded guy because well, I was Kolby. I say what I want and do what I want. I have so much more self confidence in myself then I ever did. I know I am no Adrianna Lima, but I know I'm not super fat and have a cute face. I love who I am.

When I met Jake, he knew about me what I told him. Which was I eat rare meat, I'm from Iowa and love the Huskers. I am awesome. That must have been what sold him on me.

A year ago from this past weekend, we had our first date. He picked me up and we went to the Kennedy School. He ordered beers and I couldn't stop talking because I was so nervous. I was trying not to be too awesome all at once. He ordered Cajun tots and then it was closing time. We went to my place and he met Dave and we watched Little Monsters. The next day, he took me to breakfast and we fed Sara's cats, found a Cinco De Mayo Fest. He bought me tickets for rides and I tried not to throw up him. Then bought a corn dog and lemonade. The next day, we kicked it and he went back to his place. I didn't know if we'd hang out again. We have been together every weekend since (minus random work trips and trips home), with the negotiations that Jake take awesomeness lessons from me with the payment of long walks on the beach, dinners, and cuddling.

The lesson if you didn't get it. Be yourself and have confidence that you can do anything. Because of all that awesomeness, Jake and I now reside in Forest Lake, MN. I don't know if this town is really ready for the double awesome it was just hit with.

Confessions of a stay at home girlfriend

2011-05-01T14:39:00.000-07:00

At first the idea of moving with no job and the support of the most amazing man in the world sounds amazing. However, when you are going on day 32 of not having a job and relying on someone else's money, can get you damn near depressing. I have always been told to never depend on a man and work for what you want. This is the first time in my life that I have not worked. It might be different if I had friends in this little town and things to do, but I don't.

I am currently looking for an awesome job that will fit me. I have the opportunity to do something that I actually want to do, and I have NO IDEA WHAT THAT IS?! I have applied to about 2-3 jobs a day. I have received zero phone calls for an interview or follow up.

I sit and wonder what my problem is. Am I being too picky or am I not finding the right company to work for. I believe if anyone has ever worked in rental car, they should be a top pick for a job. You work your ass off for years just to climb the corporate ladder. You work 12-15 hour days. You walk around in 10 inches of snow shoveling cars out and scrapping off the windows for customers who yell at you everyday. You kiss all the body shops asses to get them to call you when a customer needs a car, and then in return, you NEVER have the cars available. I'm talking blood, sweat, and tears have gone on in the rental car industry. I have proven that I am a hard worker and can learn new things. Come on potential employers, I am BORED sitting at home.

My daily routine consists of:
-waking up around 10 am
-eating a big bowl of cereal
-watching say yes to the dress from 10-11
-looking for jobs
-applying for jobs
-walk around the house trying to find the meaning of my life
-call my mom while she's on my lunch break
-convince myself to work out
-decide not to work out and look for more jobs
-facebook
-call Sara my homegirl
-clean, laundry, feed cats, run errands if there are any
-shower
-do hair and makeup so that when my boyfriend gets home from work, he'll want to rip my clothes off
-look through cupboards and fridge to find something to make for said boyfriend
-wait by the door like a puppy until he gets home
-kiss and hug him when he gets home
-watch tv
-tell him about the jobs I applied for and all the chores I did
-facebook
-maybe get a little somethin somethin
-think about Portland, Or
-watch tv shows that are DVR'd
-brush teeth
-wash face
-don't forget the mouthwash
-lay in bed
-talk to boyfriend about dreams and goals and again feel worthless because you need his money now to survive
-have him hug and kiss me and tickle my back so I have dreams about working at all the jobs I've applied for

I keep thinking about some recent success stories I've heard. JK Rowling writing Harry Potter on a train. That chick that wrote Twilight just had a dream and started writing. Julie something wrote a blog about cooking Julia Child's recipes and got famous. A friend who was able to start her own business. Where is my inspiration. Where is my story. With that said, sometimes I feel like I am lacking the motivation to do any. I have a super sweet book idea, but why haven't I started in the 32 days off, I have no fucking clue.

So here I sit, waiting for inspiration and phone calls, and expecting my dreams to come true.

Stay tuned. My life is about to get interesting. As if it already awesome enough. Or have I lost my awesomeness?

Awesome

2011-04-19T10:14:00.000-07:00

How I got my awesome. I've tried to teach this very subject, and have been quite successful. The thing is, I feel like I've lost my awesome. I've never not had a job or even friends to hang out with. I have come to the realization that while I'm job searching and figuring out what I want to do with my life, I need to have things to do. I can only be domesticated so much. I can cook, well still learning, and clean and do laundry.

I've always wanted to write a book. There are so many things that have happened in my life, and so many great people I need to thank. This blog won't define me, but maybe help me figure out what I am suppose to do with my life.

I feel like so many people are accomplishing great things and I've always known I've been destined for greatness. Here is my story, from past moments to current day adventures.